TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let us have A further put in which American Adult men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer All people a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is already attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even consist of:




  • A Trump Tower Damascus Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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